she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
