Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
