They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize