I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize