you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
