thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
