If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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