You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
