Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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