I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
