can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
