bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
