I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
