Pappa wants mamma naked
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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