Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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