You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
