As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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