really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
