I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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