note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
