i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
