Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize