you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
