my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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