turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
