Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
