Don't make out with my wife yet
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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