Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
