even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I would fuck him just for his dog
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
