I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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