Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize