happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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