My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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