your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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