I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
