yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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