I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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