I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
