I wish I could teleport
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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