Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
