Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
