Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
