I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I pour the whiskey from now on
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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