You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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