So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
