i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
