i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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