I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Please don't give away my fajitas
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
