I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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