Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
