When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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