i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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