would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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