Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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