before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize