I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
