Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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