You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
