I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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