I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
