STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
