Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
