Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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