When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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