He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
